Top Twelve: What To Do During the Lockout

On a day when I might be anticipating the advent of the NHL season, I’ve been investigating alternatives. So, in no particular order, I present activities for the would-be, perhaps used-to-be NHL fans who still love hockey (and donuts).

1.     AHL: No Evegeni Malkin or Henrik Lundqvist; no Patrice Bergeron or Brian Campbell. But Ryan Nugent-Hopkins should be fun to watch in Oklahoma City. And in Hershey, PA, Braden Holtby will get plenty of playing time. Closer to home, in Providence, RI, Jordan Caron should shine at the Dunkin’ Donuts Center, where the most expensive tickets are less than forty bucks.

2.     College Hockey: Will Ferris State advance to Frozen Four again? Will the hockey gods allow Northeastern University or Harvard University win a Beanpot Tournament for the first time since 1993? Please? Regardless of the outcomes, I may spend some of my income not on the Ducks vs. Bruins at the Garden but on a Hockey East game TBD.

3.     AMHL: If the college or AHL games are too expensive for you, consider the free admission to (early morning) games. With NHL team names, a few former D-III college players and a brand new interactive Web site, the AMHL is action-packed and embraces new fans with this mantra: “Come for the hockey, stay for the donuts.”

4.     Hockey Books: For a though-provoking read, consider Adam Proteau’s Fighting the Good Fight. And let’s say your kid plays. Whose Puck is It, Anyway? should also make you think about the best way to conduct youth hockey organizations.

5.     Hockey Name Games: Who are your favorite hockey players? No need to tell me. Contact “the Rick” at Honey Pot Hill Orchards in Stow, MA. He mans the information booth off Sudbury Road, and besides directing visitors to the Courtland and Spartan apples, he’ll also spellbind you with his rapid reverse engineering of any player’s name.

6.     Cider Donuts: While you’re at Honey Pot Hill, you must smell the donut batter. Follow your nose and stop smack dab in the middle of the donut haze generated from the farm store/donut factory. Then go eat one of these golden and delicious gems…or half a dozen. 

7.     Don Cherry: Whether you love “Grapes” or loathe him—or both—I believe you’ll find the first part of Cherry’s two-part hockey story, Keep Your Head Up, Kid, funny, charming, irritating, and insightful. (But disappointing if you’re a Colorado Rockies fan). Jared Keeso nailed the role as Cherry. I expect the second part, The Wrath of Grapes, to be equally compelling.

8.     Road Trip: I mentioned Hershey, PA already, so by all means attend a Bears game and eat the chocolate. Rollercoasters: go for it. The best ride, however, is the History and Chocolate Tour: chock full of humor and Hershey Kisses.

9.     No Check NHL: Note the double entendre. Sans paychecks, some NHLers are playing to no-check hockey and raising money for charity. La Tournee des Joueurs, also becoming known as the Quebec Caravan League, was created by Max Talbot and Bruno Gervais. This two-team tour features several French-Canadian players in games played in La Belle Province. 

10.  Books, Part II: For a more worldly view of hockey, Dave Bidini’s Tropic of Hockey is your best bet. For forget-your-underwear funny, Paul Grant’s Baptism by Ice is the way to go.

11.  Books, Part III. Ok, so I’m running out of ideas faster than you can say “Jonathan Quick got a ten-year contract extension but isn’t being paid .” Or “Taylor Swift.” But here are two novel ideas: Jack Falla’s Saved and Paul Quarrington’s King Leary. Ok, three. In case you’re not in the mood to take on a full book; you’re welcome to read my budding novel, one hockey sentence at a time.

12. Go On: Matthew Perry’s new show, especially the episode featuring Jeremy Roenick, is a hit in my household, where we’re going on with life without the NHL.

Donuts on the Dashboard, Part I

January 17, 2010

While Hollywood gathers for the Golden Globes , I’m writing a short film based upon a true story. I call it, for now, Donuts on the Dashboard.

The final scene: Orleans, MA. Saturday January 16, 2010
9:00 a.m. Cape Cod. Powder blue sky. A cold salt breeze prompts me to hunch my shoulders as I stride toward the car.

The AMHL Photographer (a.k.a. my wife) then strolls back from the beach to join me. She pulls open the driver’s door of charcoal gray Ford Escape and then, as she sits down, places on the dashboard two of the largest, most textured donuts I’ve ever seen. She catches her breath…

Backstory: Earlier in the week, the Photographer suggested that we drive to the Cape to mix business (taking pictures of donuts) and pleasure (eating them). We hadn’t been to the Cape since October, so we agreed upon the first scene..

Scene I: Hole in One Restaurant, Orleans
We sat at a corner table next to the north-facing window. Each enjoying a cup of Bavarian Strudel coffee, we daydreamed about donuts and waited for the breakfast we had ordered.

The waitress set my meal before me.

“Those are the fluffiest egg whites I’ve ever seen,” the Photographer said but didn’t take a picture of them.

I had ordered a healthy meal (sans le fromage and with turkey bacon) because I knew I wouldn’t able to resist the, well, pièce de résistance, the après petit déjeuner. Les donuts. (Movie marketers love it when you flick in a little French because it stimulates an international buzz).

Scene II: Drive to the Set
The donuts were not for eating. Not yet. They would first be photo fodder. A dozen of Cape Cod’s best, boxed and beside me, might have been wondering which was the prettiest, the most photogenic. Or which two treats would be selected as the special guest star donuts that might be nominated for Golden Globes next year?

Scene III, Act I: The Beach
The Photographer lifted open the white box to reveal the awesome assortment of actors (playing themselves): the crunchy, yet distinguished Coconut; the handsome Plain; the kooky but delightful Toasted Coconut; the divine Sour Cream twins; the wistful Lemon-filled; the old school Chocolate Frosted; three glamorous Glazed; the secular and succulent Chocolate Glazed; and the new kid in town, Honey Wheat.

“The Plain, the Plain,” I said, because its rugged golden brown features would offer the most promising complement to the backdrop: the ice-crusted harbor surrendering to the sandy beach.

Stay tuned for Part II